At this time of year, it’s not uncommon for tempers to fray and for folk to become fractious. I get it. I’ve had my share of frustrations lately.
We can’t control the behaviour of others. They get to be them, even if that means tantrums and foot-stomping (or table thumping). And you get to be you.
There are strategies you can employ to ensure you are the cool-headed grown-up in the room, even as the toys are being flung from the cot!
1. Confront issues head on
It’s tempting to hide your face in your hands and pretend those curly issues might magically disappear. They won’t. The grown up in the room knows to face up to and deal with issues, challenges and problems in a constructive way.
The tantrum: “I don’t want to have to deal with this. Just make it go away!”
The grown-up: “How can we solve this?”
3. Problems, not personalities
It’s not personal, and the grown-up refuses to make it so. Focus on the issue or challenge at hand, not on the other person.
The tantrum: “You’ve always been against me.”
The grown-up : “What’s the problem we are trying to solve here?”
4. Drop the blame game
When things go pear-shaped, I’ve noticed there is a natural human tendency to want to know who’s to blame. There may be instances when it’s important to know what transpired and what, if anything went wrong (eg perhaps training is needed or policies need to be adjusted). But there is often more to be gained by directing energy towards understanding how things could be improved next time.
The tantrum: “I didn’t agree to that! Who’s fault is this? Somebody needs to pay for this.”
The grown-up: “What can we learn from this and how will we do things differently next time?”
5. Keep an open mind, open eyes and open heart
This is one of my favourite sayings. The grown-up in the room is alert to and open to other perspectives and ideas, even when they seem on the surface to be very different from their own. Because they know this is where true innovation lives.
The tantrum: “That’ll never work. We’ve tried it before.”
The grown-up: “What are we missing? What other options are there?”
6. Assume good intent
I don’t believe anybody gets up in the morning and decides to be cantankerous or disruptive. Most people want to do a good job and to do the right thing. A self-assured grown-up will have treat others with empathy and kindness, even on their bad days.
The tantrum: “You’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”
The grown-up: “Tell me how you you see this. Help me to understand this from your perspective.”
7. Watch the self-talk
Of course, even grown-ups have self-doubt. And this is where those inner voices start to get raucous. But instead of berating and belittling yourself, I invite you to speak to yourself with as much love, compassion and care as you’d speak with your own child. If you don’t have a child, imagine speaking to the child version of you – that innocent, well-intentioned little human who is just doing their best.
The tantrum (and this time it’s YOU having the tantrum!): “You’re so stupid! You’ll never get this right. Just give up now.”
The grown-up: “Keep going. I believe in you.”
And I do, you know.
karen@o2advisory.com.au
